How to Calm Down: 5 Steps to Transition from Stress to Relaxation
Ever feel like your mind is stuck in overdrive, even after a stressful situation has passed? You're not alone. Many people who seek CBT therapy for stress and anxiety struggle to return to a calmer state after their body’s stress reaction kicks in.
This is why I tell my clients that transitioning from the fight, flight, freeze state (levels 8-10 on the Stressometer) back to your relaxed and preferred state of mind (levels 4-7) is the most important and the most challenging part of relaxation training.
In this post, I’ll explain why it’s so challenging to transition from stress to relaxation. Then, I’ll walk you through five simple but powerful steps for retraining your brain to move out of that high-alert state and into your preferred, more relaxed mental space.
Why It’s So Hard to Relax When You’re Stressed
Your stress reaction triggers an automatic surge of adrenaline and cortisol. This leads you to think and behave as if you’re fighting for your life, even if the stressor isn’t life-threatening, like getting stuck in traffic or receiving a stressful work email. Most of life’s stressors aren’t true emergencies, but your brain doesn’t always know the difference.
This is why relaxation training is so important. It helps your brain remember to transition to a calmer state of mind for all non-emergencies. Your brain’s way of remembering to do things automatically is the overlearning technique.
How “Overlearning” Helps Calm Down
Just like driving a car, relaxing on command is a skill. At first, it will feel unnatural and maybe even uncomfortable or unsafe. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes, even under pressure. This is where overlearning comes in. Overlearning means repeating a behavior so many times that it becomes automatic. It’s how we master everyday skills like:
Driving a car
Brushing your teeth
Using a telephone
Typing on a keyboard
Navigating a city
Playing a sport, and so on.
Anything you know how to do with some level of skill or mastery is due to this repetition. Over time, your brain and body deposited the skill into your automatic memory bank to use anytime you want. Your level of mastery is proportional to the amount of time you’ve spent practicing the activity lately.
The same applies to relaxation. The more you can overlearn the skill of relaxation through practice, the better you can perform it under pressure. Being able to relax, even a little bit, under the pressure of the adrenaline-charged fight, flight, and freeze reactions in your mind and body is only possible by practicing relaxation techniques for a few minutes every day.
5 Steps to Calm Down After a Stress Reaction
Now that you understand the importance of seeing relaxation as a practice, and practicing it as often as you can, I have a quick exercise to help you do that. Use the process below anytime you're trying to come down from a heightened emotional state. Here are the 5 steps to transition from the fight, flight, and freeze state of mind to your calmer, preferred state of mind:
Step 1: Give Yourself Time to Transition
Transitioning from your fight, flight, or freeze state of mind back to your preferred state of mind takes time. No matter how good you are at the relaxation response, you will still need anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 days to transition. This is just how the nervous system is designed.
It’s also important to understand that even once you feel better and you’re thinking more clearly, you can still bounce back to the fight, flight, or freeze state of mind. That’s because it’s a reflexive mental and physical reaction to any stressor, and life is full of stressors. It’s not your fault; it’s just how we are all wired. False alarms are normal and very common.
Step 2: Exhale
Let go of your breath by exhaling completely. Feel the tension start to release as you relax your chest and breathing center a little. Just try to focus on these simple steps for a few minutes at a time:
Exhale all the way out.
Notice your shoulders drop.
Repeat until your breathing softens.
Step 3: Release Muscle Tension
Focus on the muscles around your chest, jaw, shoulders, and in between each rib in the front and back of your ribcage. Each of your ribs is lined with a puzzle of muscles that contract and constrict your lung capacity during any stressful moment. Each of these muscles contracts automatically when you’re stressed, but they can also be voluntarily relaxed.
Notice and relax these muscles often during each day:
Jaw and shoulders
Front and back of your ribcage
Solar plexus (center of your chest)
Step 4: Drop Your Mental Effort
Now, focus on relaxing your level of mental intensity and judgment around fixing the stressful situation you’re dealing with right now, so your mind can relax as well. High levels of mental intensity are only helpful in true emergencies. For all non-emergencies, lower levels of mental intensity are best. A calmer state of mind helps you access the creativity and flexibility you need to address non-life-threatening stressors.
Just as effortlessly as clouds pass across the sky, allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment. Find a mental flow of noticing and releasing the thoughts that come up regarding the stressor you’re dealing with. Continue to exhale fully, relax your ribcage muscles deeply, and drop your mental intensity just a little bit.
Step 5: Ask Yourself What You Want
This might be the most important part. Gently ask yourself:
“What is my preference in this situation?”
Remember, self-respect comes from awareness and expression of what you want, not from getting what you want. Without effort or judgment, acknowledge what you would prefer to see happen when it comes to the stressor you’re dealing with right now. You are only as upset as you are far away from what you want.
Let your preference come to you with ease. With relaxed breathing, relaxed muscles, and less mental intensity, you’re now in a better position to problem-solve your difficult situation using your preference and calmer, creative thinking. Do your best without forcing anything. Your best is good enough.
Build Resilience with Daily Relaxation Practice
Just like mastering any skill, relaxation gets easier with regular practice. Even 2–3 minutes a day of this Transitioning Relaxation exercise can help your body and brain remember how to access a calmer state of mind, even when you’re under pressure.
Whether you're dealing with anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, or emotional reactivity, this daily tool can help you start to feel more grounded, more often. For more relaxation training tools and resources, visit my stress management audio library.