What is perfectionism? Understanding the stress reflex behind it
Perfectionism isn’t just about high standards. It’s often a stressful, pushy voice in our heads telling us that nothing we do is ever good enough.
If you’ve felt that internal pressure to be better, do more, or fix everything, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. In this post, we’ll look at what perfectionism really is, how it’s tied to the body’s stress reflex, and what you can do to shift toward a calmer, more balanced state of mind.
The pressure of perfectionistic thinking
Perfectionistic, pushy internal thoughts often tell us ’nothing is ever good enough’ or ‘enough’ period, no matter what the topic and can create a lot of mental tension. Quite literally, these thoughts think for themselves.
Greed, also known as avarice, cupidity or covetousness, is the inordinate desire to possess more and more wealth, goods, or objects of abstract value with the intention to keep it for one's self, far beyond the dictates of basic survival and comfort, Wikipedia.
I believe greed and perfectionism are the same kind of pushy thoughts that harass & kick us about how well we are doing and how well we are measuring up, too, to some abstract standard of measurement.
The “not good enough” message and the stress reflex
I believe the hidden meaning & message of the self-talk that makes us feel like our life, self, work, performance, looks, weight, earnings, power, cleanliness, good deeds, belongings, situations, relationships, etc. are not ever good enough is caused by greed for more & more of anything beyond reason.
Moreover, it is our stress hormones that reflexively create the ‘not good enough’ thinking-feeling combination to start with. The ‘not good enough’ thoughts, no matter what specifically our mind is saying is ‘not good enough,’ constantly prompt us for more & more beyond what is necessary or preferred.
This drive is reasonable if our lives are in danger without it, but otherwise the ‘more and more’ &/or ‘not good enough’ message is a distortion in our thinking. If we continue believing the ‘not good enough’ message of the brain’s powerful stress hormones, no matter what it is about specifically in our own particular cases, we will ruin a lot of enjoyment time, situations, relationships, activities, etc.
The pressure for more, i.e., upsizing, of anything beyond what is necessary or preferred is a distortion in our thinking prompted by the powerful stress hormones not prompted by free-will.
Building awareness of pushy thoughts and perfectionistic patterns
We are involuntarily thinking and processing/digesting these pushy thoughts unless we learn how to deliberately switch to the relaxation hormones’ more voluntary and preferential thinking style instead.
We all can be taught to think more consciously and mindfully. The trick is learning to take the time to calm down the breathing center, reduce the muscle tension and identify our personal preferences about each and every topic in our worlds that is not life threatening.
This process is time consuming but well worth it!
To expand on the idea of the stress hormones’ ‘not good enough’ &/or ‘more & more’ message a little further I think it is important to learn how to recognize the many variations on the ‘perfectionistic-greedy’ theme there are.
In addition to the ‘not good enough’ idea there are various similar messages we process a lot like obsessiveness about something, perfectionistic self-pressures, compulsive behaviors, pushiness with self or others, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, all or nothing, either awful or awesome, the bad cancelling the good, feeling like a fool…
These attitudes and behaviors are powerfully motored up by our very own stress hormones and can easily be mistaken for the gospel if we are not aware of their extremely distorted message in all situations that are not truly life threatening.
From perfectionism to preference: learning to think calmly
Similarly, the idea of thinking more mindfully and deliberately also has been referred to by many varying topics depending on who is doing the describing. Sport Psychologists refer to the topic as ‘maintaining performance under pressure.’
Buddhists refer to it as ‘equanimity’, which is ‘mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.’
Cognitive Behavioral Therapists talk about the concept in terms of ‘response prevention & exposures.’
Dialectical Behavioral Therapists discuss it in terms of ‘discomfort tolerance’ or as I like to say ‘disapproval tolerance.’
Health Psychologists describe it under the general heading of ‘Stress Management.’
AA calls it Serenity and has coined the Serenity Prayer to teach the concept.
Needless to say, the concept is well established as a very good idea.
I talk about the calmer mental state as the Preference State of Mind. Practicing the Preferred State of Mind starts with learning to ‘relax anyway,’ ‘breathe anyway’ and ‘identify your personal preference anyway’ in all non-life threatening yet stressful situations.
I think it is helpful to think about painful or difficult situations in terms of the Internal Guidance System (IGS) which allows us to decipher our personal preferences from the experiences we are living. I think it is the pain and misery that teach us the most about ourselves, and if we use the information to help guide us towards our preferences and away from our misery, even a little bit, then we have used the IGS constructively.
If we do nothing at all about our internal pushy thoughts, they will effectively push us around and possibly destroy our moods and relationships a lot of the time, especially during stressful times.
The cost of perfectionism on performance and wellbeing
The more important or meaningful something is to us, the more likely we are to reflexively/accidentally begin distorting our thinking and behavior by stressing out, and the more likely we are to sabotage the experience altogether.
The reflexive stressing out or freaking out that happens to us cannot be stopped. All any of us can do is to learn how to calm the breathing center, relax the muscle tension and identify personal preference as soon as possible in all of our non-life threatening, yet stressful, situations.
The mental awareness that our stress hormones will hold our thinking processes hostage until we deliberately redirect our minds is the best weapon we all have to fight back with. So become aware of the powerful effects, i.e., the special effects, really, your stress hormones have on your personal thinking style.
Practice the: ‘Mindfulness to improve concentration under pressure’ to learn how to improve your performance during your most difficult situations. The idea of ‘good enoughness’ or ‘enoughness’ in general is a learned thinking strategy and something each of us can deliberately learn to cue ourselves to think more often if we want to.
The preference state of mind is aware of the distinction between feeling preferential under the influence of the relaxation hormones as opposed to pushy and demanding under the influence of the stress hormones. The former is a lighter and more creative feeling compared to the heavier, overwhelmed feeling of the stress response.
Managing Perfectionism with the Whitworth Stressometer
The relaxation response state of mind is preference. The preference state of mind allows the mind to relax and realize caring about things and others is not the same thing as being controlled by them. It is calmer, more fun, lighter or just content.
The preference state of mind brings with it the ability to experience enough indifference towards what other people want from you so that you can choose for yourself what to do, or at least know in your heart what your preference is even if you do what you are told.
The mind only needs to be prompted by us to be aware of personal preference when under pressure. It is only important to know what you prefer; whether you get it or not is not nearly as important as the awareness. The awareness of preference rests the mind and soothes the self-respect/esteem just enough to keep us in the game and at our best under pressure.
The stress response states of mind are fight (i.e., anger, aggression, demanding, rage, hostility, etc.), flight (i.e., anxiety, worry, pleasing behavior, fixing & figuring it out obsessively, panic, etc.) and freeze (i.e., shutting down, withdrawing, isolating, ruminating, obsessing, perseverating, mutism, rigidity of muscles and mind, etc.).
The fight, flight and freeze states of mind are intent on immediate gratification and intolerance of the current reality. This is a very bad feeling, please see Whitworth Stressometer levels 8, 9 and 10. The emotions the stress hormones power up for us to use will save our lives in a true life or death emergency.
However, if the situation is not a dire emergency these heavy, rigid and pushy emotions will interfere with our thinking, feeling and breathing and effectively sabotage our performance under pressure.
The four states of mind: identifying your preference state
Be prepared to compare the feather-weight of the preference state of mind to the heavy-weight of the fight, flight and freeze states of mind during your day. Remember fight, flight and freeze are reflexive states of mind and come on unbidden sometimes even in our sleep.
Whereas the preference state of mind only comes on because you prompt yourself internally for your preference so you can know what it is and stand up for it if you want to, not so you can get it. I believe the feather-weight of preference is the heartbeat of each soul and each soul’s true center.
In this lighter state of mind life is easily more relaxed and meditational because it is about awareness not having and demanding your way.
There are many triggers for the perfectionistic stress reflex thoughts. An important feature of the awareness that creates the pushy, competitive drive for more and better is that it really can help improve our performance up to a point.
And when it takes us beyond that magical point, it begins to deteriorate or sabotage our personal performance. So it is important to become aware of exactly where the helpfulness of the stress hormones’ message becomes harmful to our personal bests (pb’s) instead.
Learning to moderate perfectionism through awareness and practice
I have created the Whitworth Stressometer for daily use to help you recognize where your pb’s are most likely to occur for you in all of your non-life threatening situations.
The Whitworth Stressometer is a scale from 0-10 that designates the Stress Reflex Response zones of fight, flight & freeze as 8, 9 & 10; and the Relaxation Response zones as 0-7. It is important to realize that once our adrenalin hormones release reflexively into our systems we will actually be able to think & behave preferentially up to level 7.
After we leave level 7 the adrenalin begins to distort our thinking and behavior so that it is more rigid and reflexively negative. Not only do our thoughts become rigidly all or nothing and judgmental but our muscles and breathing become tense and rigid as well. So it is helpful to learn to moderate or ease up on the adrenalin flow by relaxing muscle tension and exhaling completely throughout the day.
Sometimes it isn’t possible to hang onto level 7 and we will need to relax muscles and breathing to get the mind to focus on preference in order to get back to that level.
The important thing is awareness of what is happening in your mind and body. Every second of everyday you are somewhere on the Whitworth Stressometer Scale. It is possible to deliberately choose to hang out more of the time in your Relaxation Response zones in order to improve your pb’s in your work, leisure, home life and relationships.
Competitiveness/perfectionism/greed is an important driver in us towards preferential goals and achievements. It is not a bad thing until it becomes rigid and begins to destroy the quality of our experiences, relationships or attitudes towards self. So be aware that the drive for more or better is like fuel that can push us too hard.
The key is to become aware of the controls we each have at our disposal to moderate the flow of our stress hormones or back out of the Stress Reflex Thinking Style once we are already there. There are three basic internal control centers to become aware of: 1. breathing rate and rhythm, 2. level of muscle tension in the body and 3. present thinking style.
Daily tools to practice a “good enough” mindset
Once you teach yourself to become aware of each area of control you have, you can begin learning to ease up and moderate stress hormone release into your system.
The main goals are: 1. exhale completely & relax your rib area muscle tension a little bit, 2. relax your muscle tension in your face and shoulders, and 3. identify your personal preference about your situation or difficulty while asking yourself to resist judging the situation or yourself. These are the basic and overall goals to work towards in order to achieve improved stress management and disapproval tolerance during your rougher and more difficult scenarios of your life.
It is never too late to work on these three goals in your more difficult situations. Whether you start at the beginning or after the fact or in the middle of your difficulty, these are the goals you will want to practice.
Practicing these three main strategies daily will strengthen your relaxation muscles so it will be available in the tense moments of your real life so that you can stay ‘on your game’ most of the time. Your pb’s will begin to show up more of the time in your work world, home life and relationships.
Remember, it is never too late to get ‘back ‘in the game’ of your own life and ‘try again’ or ‘start again’ on that difficult project, resume, job search, training program, conversation, relationship, collaborative effort, creative endeavor, etc. and do it from a more relaxed, preferential and nonjudgmental perspective.
Not only will the quality of your experience improve but also you will be more satisfied or fulfilled by the results of your efforts.