The Feather Weight of Preference: Preference Assertion is a Strategy for Improving Thinking Habits and Communication Styles

Thinking about what you prefer is relaxing and clarifying (i.e., 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 on the stressometer) because while pondering upon your specific preferences you will experience your personal preference meditatively and get to know yourself a little better, too, which builds self-respect. The decisions we make under the influence of the relaxation hormones delay gratification because the decision making tool is preference, and we are required to slow down in order to come up with our free-will preference before proceeding. Personal preference decisions are delayed gratificatiers and tend to be under-whelming for us to make. In other words, personal preference decisions are not very exciting for us, but they are better for us; and in the long run will turn out to make us happier. Alternatively, the decisions we see ourselves routinely make under the influence of the fight, flight and freeze stress hormones are reflexively decided upon which means there is not much thought involved. These more reflexive decisions are immediately gratifying which means they make us feel immediately good and feel overwhelmingly convinced to do them suddenly and/or immediately as a result of the stress hormones’ presence. The stress hormones speed up decisions we make in order to save our lives but is at cross purposes with us when our lives are not in immediate danger.

Standing up for your personal preference is a stress reliever because it produces internal self-respect over time. The resulting self-respect is more helpful to reducing stress than actually getting what you asked for preferentially! So, ask for what you want or just become more aware of what you would rather see happen whether you think you will get it or not. Keep doing it no matter what. You will reduce your stress, improve your self-respect, and increase your chances of getting what you have requested, too.

Personal Preference Assertion involves stating and thinking about your personal beliefs and desires in a flexible way and is based on a person’s freedom of choice.When determining your preference you will want to choose your preference based upon what you will be the happiest with having done in the longrun not the shortrun. In other words, true preference is more gradifying overall to you, not necessarily immediately gratifying. Your true preference will line up your thought, emotion, breathing and behaving more with your more creative and unique core self. It differs greatly from a demand or a command, which is usually verbalized in a more controlling and pushy way. It’s important to know the difference and stick to verbalizing and thinking about your wishes and desires using preference assertion skills as well as delayed gratification principles to stay calmer under daily life pressures.

The goal of Preference Assertion strategies and Preference Thinking habits is Acceptance of self and other’s differences. At first you may have anxiety spikes when trying this strategy. Stick with it anyway. These scared moments dissolve very quickly after standing up for yourself with calm preference assertion. Over time your stress and anxiety in relationships will diminish significantly and you will feel calmer. Or the relationship may end instead. If the relationship does not have enough room in it for each person’s preferences then it will not last. Standing up for personal preference.

whether you get what you want or not will end a poor relationship faster instead of

allowing it to linger. If you keep your preferences tucked inside during a relationship in order to fix the other person’s issues then your stress and anxiety in the relationship will rise slowly over the course of the unfolding relationship and the relationship will need help or just end anyway. It is our various preferences that make us different from each other. When we accept our own and other people’s preferences and differences as OK, stress levels begin to drop because the goal is acceptance rather than agreement or getting your way. When acceptance is the goal things are obviously and openly imperfect while being relaxed and accepting, too.

On the other hand, if agreement is the goal of a relationship it will become increasingly stressful, rigid and perfectionistic over time. Demandingness, harshness and/or persuasiveness become the thinking and communicating strategy at work (i.e., 8, 9 & 10 on the stressometer) and the goal is usually to push for agreement. Since we are all so different from each other, we usually cannot agree on very many things and conflict can begin to overtake the relationship. Agreement is unrealistic and stressful to try to achieve because we usually fail. The general emotional feeling in pushy relationships is a heavy feeling. So I call this general emotional feeling ‘the heavy weight of pushiness.’ It’s more realistic and practical to Agree-to-Disagree and negotiate with each other based on preference and acceptance. Your stress will diminish and your self-respect will improve.

Since the goal of preference awareness and assertion is based on acceptance and tolerance of self and other’s differences it naturally improves our tolerance of discomfort, frustration and distress at not getting what we really want at times. This attitude of tolerance of life’s daily frustrations, distressors and discomforts allows us to remain a little calmer in our relationships and daily life in general. The emotional feeling inside is usually like feeling a little lighter. So I refer to this emotional lightness feeling as ‘the feather weight of preference.’ This calmer self will be able to have a better quality of life each day, not by getting what you want but by at least knowing what it is and honoring it with words and behavior some of the time while, also, remaining tolerant in the process and exchange. Indeed, it is this more tolerant and calm attitude that improves our performance under pressure no matter what the performance relates to. In other words, your performance in all of your nonlife threatening activities, e.g., relationships, weight management, sleep, athletics, business meetings, addiction recovery, public speaking, romance, test taking, school work, creativity, writing, depression recovery, anxiety management, pain management, stress management, etc. will be improved by enlisting the help of your calmer, preferential and more tolerant self.