TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

1. CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS can trigger the Stress Response and the Stress Respose hormones themselves can trigger controlling behaviors in relationships (i.e. 8, 9 & 10 on the stressometer). If any of your relationships seem stressful a lot of the time, chances are controlling-ness, also known as codependency, is to blame. All humans can play controlling/codependent roles in relationships from time to time. The goals of controlling Roles are to get your own way, to persuade others to agree with you or to get others to depend on you to fix their problems. Controlling relationships are intolerant relationships which feel invasive and intrusive for various reasons and are focused on immediate gratification and impatience. The stressful attitude is: “I can’t stand it if I don’t get my way or if I am wrong or if you don’t like how I fixed all your problems” and triggers the stress response in the autonomic nervous system. The decisions we make under the influence of the stress hormones are immediately gratifying because the decision making tool is fight, flight and/or freeze. The problems arise when controlling roles are all a relationship consists of. There are three main examples of controlling roles:

a. The Mean Role-- In situations of abuse, this role is usually referred to as the perpetrator. The person using this role attempts to control others with meanness, verbally, physically, socially or financially. Commonly, this is the bully role. Usually the bully abuses/manipulates the other person into fixing his/her emotional problems in exchange for emotional, physical, social &/or financial safety in the relationship. Sometimes this pattern type is referred to as emotional blackmail. The bully’s threat is usually a rage attack of some kind. However, in situations which are immediately life threatening, the Mean role is actually the person or persons who take charge of the disaster and quickly lead others to safety; and seem heroic instead of mean. So the context determines whether or not a person is being mean or a hero. This is the fight component of the fight, flight &/or freeze Stress Response. Often when the fight gear is used in a non-life threatening situation someone will likely feel victimized, not rescued. It is important for the people involved in this type of communicating to get some help before the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

b. The Pleaser Role—This role is often used by people who expect others to be mean to them or bully them and is caused by a high anxiety level in relationships. It is also used at other times. For example, it is used by people when they are feeling guilty about being mean or when being liked is very important to a sense of self-adequacy. The pleaser is the person in the relationship who is the fixer of the problems for the bully and others in general. The pleaser often feels guilty when unable to rescue or fix the problems for the bully. The pleaser finds it necessary to justify, defend, explain and prove themselves worthy with overfunctioning so the bully will not get mad and be disapproving of them. The pleaser often thinks “I should be able to figure it out, why am I so stupid?” However, in situations which are immediately life threatening, the Pleaser role is actually assumed by the person who can quickly take orders from the leader/hero in a disaster and quickly lead others to safety. So, again the context determines whether or not a person is being a pleaser or a hero. The pleaser role is in the flight component of the fight, flight &/or freeze of the Stress Response’s reflexive gears of behaving and emoting. The Pleaser is often the person who is called the Enabler in any toxic relationship. Pleasers are prone to exhaustion, panic and anxiety problems.

c. The Helpless Role—In situations of danger or abuse, the helpless role is usually referred to as the victim role. A victim is a person or animal who suffers from the injurious action of another person, agency or illness. The victim or victims are the ones the heroes in life threatening situations are rescuing. However, in the everyday life of loving or work or social relationships, the helpless role can slowly over time become controlling of loved ones due to the mixture of love and sickness, sadness and/or neediness. In order to prevent controllingness due to helplessness, the people involved in loving, work or social relationships are advised to reserve caretaking of each other for times of immediate need, emergency or very limited periods of time. For all other times alternative plans need to be coordinated for the person who is injured or ill. The boundaries of daily caretaking being coordinated by others most of the time allows loved ones, peers and colleagues to be less stressed and more likely to enjoy each other’s company over time. The helpless role can also be a shutting down experience as well, for example, when the person shutting down distances themselves and withdraws from relating for awhile due to exhaustion, mutism, mental/emotional overwhelm, shock, etc. As with anything else, shutting down can be helpful to the person experiencing it if allows the person to calm and relax a little at a time. However, it can, also, be damaging if it is prolonged. The helpless &/or shutting down role is the frozen component of the fight, flight &/or freeze Stress Response.

In sum, there are situations in which the above controlling roles people employ in relationships are necessary. In immediately life threatening situations controlling roles actually work best because they produce quick reactions due to the high level of stress hormones reflexively and rapidly mobilized by the Stress Response of the Central Nervous System, CNS. However, if controlling roles are used in a relationship on a regular basis the stress and pressure of constantly working to agree, please, fix, serve, dominate and/or need help can wear the people involved out and make the relationship seem too hard. Controlling relationships can erode self-worth and hope over time because the people involved mistakenly believe they should be able to succeed at agreeing, pleasing, fixing, serving, helping, dominating and/or needing the other person at all times. So the net result is to feel like the relationship is a failure and it may not be at all. It is very important for people who are in relationships that are controlling to realize they are not suppose to be successful at controlling relationships all of the time or even very often at all. Controlling behaviors are an accidental byproduct of too much stress hormones delivered reflexively into our mind and bodies via the CNS, not a deliberate choice.

I believe it is helpful to understand the level of stress hormones controlling our thinking, feeling and behaving is reflexively delivered not a choice that we get to control. We can become aware of our own Fight, Flight and/or Freeze behaviors, thoughts and emotions so we can begin to recognize them, but we cannot prevent the stress hormone surges in our systems. We are, on the other hand, empowered to learn how to reset our very own CNS to a lower stress score whenever we desire. Learning that your stress hormones

surge high reflexively and will only dip back lower again by deliberately doing something calming like taking a break, mindfully meditating, walking, running, relaxing, etc. for at least 6 minutes can be very helpful in all of our relationships. Taking a 6 minute break can reset your mind and body to your favorite state of mind which I call the Preference state of mind. In the Preference state of mind we are empowered to think, behave and feel more preferentially and that is a relief to us all.

There are four main states of mind: fight, flight, freeze and preference. The first three are reactive states of mind involving thinking, feeling and behaving, and are reflexively driven by our stress hormone levels. We do not really have much choice over our thinking, feeling or behaving when we land in one of the fight, flight &/or freeze states of mind. The only clear choice is for us to recognize the thinking, feeling and behaving clues that tell us we are stressed out again, and if it is not a life threatening emergency we need to take a 6 minute break to go and reset our CNS to a lower stress score so we can regain our preference state of mind. When we are calmer in our upperbody muscles and breathing center we can begin to choose how we would prefer to think, prefer to feel and prefer to behave in the situation at hand. The preference state of mind depends on relaxed upperbody muscles, relaxed breathing and a relaxed mind. Once you are calmer in your muscles and breathing your mind can begin identifying personal preferences about hw to proceed, but not before. The mind will naturally switch from fight, flight &/or freeze reactivity to personal preference responding instead once your stress score drops to 7 or below. It is worth the wait. Learn to wait it out and then proceed in your relationships and problem solving tasks once your preference state of mind is available and online whenever you can. The strategy of waiting through the reactivity of fight, flight &/or freeze reacting in all non-life threatening situations is helpful to us all. It is relieving to our minds and body to wait until preference can be our response instead as often as possible.

Have you ever wondered how you can be feeling, thinking and behaving fine one minute and then all of the sudden you are freaking out? This is due to the stress hormones surging for whatever reason. In relationships it can happen when we care or even just know the other person who is upset. When we are with someone who is upset we can accidentally quickly escalate our own stress score and join them in their freakout unless we quickly choose not to do so. I call this rapport. We rappot with friends, colleague and loved ones easily and accidentally. This it true about freaking out and it works the other direction as well. In other words, once you are freaking out accidentally and you had been just fine moments ago, you can choose to calm back down to a lower stress score once again.

Once you are calmer again, the people you are with will eventually calm down too. There is always a time lag at this juncture. We naturally follow each other around on the stressometer when we know each other so we can use this knowledge for calming back down, too, if we want to. It is fun to realize it is a two way street not just a one way street. On some level this is how emotions seem very contagious. I like the analogy of the ‘kitten on the screen door’ to describe sudden stress hormone surges that alter behavior, emoting and thinking. When a kitten climbs or is placed on a screen door it has to regroup internally for a minute or two or 6 before it can figure out how to get back down again. Remembering how to relax and retract its claws requires deliberately choosing to relax it’s upperbody muscles and begin better breathing so it can think what to do. Once the kitten is more relaxed it can prefer to stay or leave the screen door. We are like this, our personal preference decisions, choices, feelings, behaviors, free will, free speech and free choice depend on mind/body relaxation.

2. PREFERRING RELATIONSHIPS trigger the relaxation response (i.e., 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7 on the stressometer), so they are more enjoyable for all of the people involved. The decisions we make under the influence of the relaxation hormones delay gratification because the decision making tool is preference. This type of relating is based on each person’s ability to stand up for what they prefer or want as well as delayed gratification and patience. When each person in a relationship individually and independently honors their own personal preferences with words and actions, there is no room for codependency to develop. When each person responsibly takes care of his or her own preferences and issues and leaves the other person free to do the same the relationship is more likely to develop intimacy, support and spontaneity rather than stress. In the preferring relationship, the people involved understand the goals of the relationship to be ‘listening to’ and ‘acceptance of’ the differences between self and the others. The goal is not to get what you want, just to know what you want instead. Oddly enough, most of the time the people in preferring relationships are more likely to get what they want and to be more satisfied in the relationship. Preferring relationships are more tolerant relationships. The attitude is: “I am ok when I don’t get my way or what I want. At least I stood up for what I wanted.” The result of this type of relationships is self-respect and self-approval because of the freedom of speech and free-will involved. It is a relationship between equals and worthy opponents at times, not bullies and victims. Personal honesty about personal preference allows intimacy to develop between people and self-acceptance to develop for the individual. The idea of “saying” what you want not necessarily “getting” what you want calms the relationship down and allows the people involved to get to know each other better. Acceptance and tolerance of negative emotions and imperfections like the disappointment of not getting what you want and disapproval from loved ones is ok, realistic and normal in all relationships; and contributes positively to getting to know yourself and others a little at a time.